Dear younger Soph,

            I know that you’re going through a hard time. You’re angry at yourself, at the world, at everything. I’m writing you in hopes of helping you get through this rough patch. There is so much that I want to share with you. I know this letter will be hard for you to read, but I hope that it also brings you some sense of comfort. I hope it helps you find your way in a time when every direction seems to lead you astray. 

 

Dear younger Soph, learn to feel comfortable in your own skin

          Do you remember that one high school graduation party this past summer? The one you had to leave early. Do you remember how horribly uncomfortable you felt as you watched your best friends drink and dance and enjoy themselves while you sat at a table alone? How you begged your mom to take you home after only being there for an hour? Do you remember getting home, running upstairs, and crying yourself to sleep because of the discomfort you felt? I know you remember because even today, I still remember. My whole-body aches at this memory. It aches for you and at the thought that you felt so uncomfortable with yourself that such a thing would happen.

Do you remember your conversation with Mom when she came to check on you? Pain was dripping from her face as she pleaded with you to tell her what was wrong, but you couldn’t explain or rationalize what you felt. After all, no one was particularly cruel or said something that hurt you. Yet you felt so hurt. How could you explain this to her? How could you explain that you simply could not sit with yourself anymore? How do you make someone who is comfortable with who they are understand what it’s like to crawl in your own skin? 

            I want you to know that I understand and empathize with what you were going through. No one should downplay or belittle you for those very real feelings. I do, however, want you to learn something from this situation. I want you to learn how to feel comfortable in your own skin. I want you to embrace who you are and how you are. I want you to feel confident enough to be okay with everything you are not. It’s okay that you aren’t ready to drink, but still socialize with your friends. It’s okay that you don’t know how to dance, but still dance. I know you think you’re the only one who feels awkward, but the truth is, everyone in high school feels awkward. You are not the only one and you are not alone. Take comfort in that and know that in due time, you will become who you are supposed to become.

…

The truth is, I still feel a lot of the things you feel now, and by no means do I have everything figured out. I get angry and sad and uncomfortable. I have moments of weakness where I feel caught in a wave of anxiety that refuses to let me come up for air. Or days when I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that it feels as if it is not my own. I feel all of those things, but the difference is they’re less biting now. They don’t consume me as I know they consume you. They’re few and far in between, but I don’t think they’ll ever truly go away. The goal is to battle them to the best of our ability, quieting the noise and reducing it to a mere whisper that only appears when we let it. So fight the noise. You have so much good in you, so let that be what shines through.

 

With love,

Soph