How do you define mental health?

“I guess I never really even thought about that. It’s kind of how you feel emotionally. It’s a lot of feeling.”

So how do you define self-love?

“Self-love, for me, has been a big thing because, you treat other better than you treat yourself. So, self-love is treating yourself in that way and making sure you take care of yourself in the ways you take care of everybody else. That’s how I see it.”

Is mental health an aspect of your life that you choose to focus on?

“Oh well as of recently, yes. Before, no.”

When did that change?

“Probably coming into college. Freshman year. It was an adjustment. And realizing high school to college, that’s a huge jump and I didn’t realize that.”

Have you ever had struggles with your mental health? Do you feel comfortable sharing any of those struggles?

“Yes, and yes. What do you want to know?”

Whatever you want to say. Nothing more or nothing less. It’s up to you.

“I think mental health, like I said, I didn’t really think about it until coming to college because I knew what it was, but I used to think it was something you deal with once and get over it, and now knowing the science behind it and all the actual studies and stuff, it’s not just some phase you go through. It’s legit treatment. Of, course it varies with everyone, but it’s a lot more real than I thought and it’s an actual life problem that actually makes peoples’ lives more difficult and harder and it’s not just ‘oh you have a bad day.’ It’s a real problem.”

It’s constant.

“Yeah! It’s weird and still I struggle to accept that fact because people always say you don’t understand until you actually go through it or you know somebody and see how it affects them, but it’s so true. I could never describe in words what it actually is. It’s something you just feel.”

Does it embarrass you to talk about?

“Before, yes. Because I was like people are going to look at me differently because the stigma is still there. In the fall, I didn’t want people to know, and I kept it very low key, but after I came back, I was a lot more vocal

about it and writing was something I realized I really liked and sharing. I realized that I could be maybe helpful to other people if they ever need somebody to talk to too because I would hate for them to feel like they’re crazy and going alone through that. I think that was a big part for me. I was like ‘why am I the only one struggling like this?’ But I’m sure there’s lots of other people. Now I’m a lot more open talking about it, for sure. I don’t think I could have this conversation even like a month ago. I would be in tears right now.”

So, you’ve come a long way.

“Yeah. For sure”

Who has helped you get there? Here. Today.

“Legit, everybody in my life. But I have also had relationships that have definitely changed. People I thought that were closer to me, I’m not. And people that I didn’t think, are. Just making sure the people you are surrounded with actually have your back and understand."

So, it’s made you realize who your true friends are?

“Yeah, because those are the people that are going to understand and not judge you for it or make you feel weird about it.”

Because you’re still you.

“Yes. Yes.”

From knowing you, you want everyone to think you’re okay.

“Yes! Because a lot of people think I’m off the rails now. Which is their opinion…which kind of sucks because you lose those people. But did you really lose them if that’s what they thought about you? Of course, I miss them but.”

Do you think this will make you stronger?

“I ask myself this question a lot because I feel like it’s one of those things that never ends so how you are supposed to feel stronger at the end. If there even is an end. But I would say yes because when things do come up or problems happen, I feel like I handle them better. It makes you look at things a lot differently. A lot differently. I can’t waste my energy thinking about other things now because I have to keep moving forward.”

What is the biggest thing you’ve taken out of this experience? These happenings that you’re going through right now.

“You can make as many plans and goals as you want but it’s just, at least from my experience, more than half the time it’s not going to go how you want to. It’s how you take it and try and make the best out of it that’s going to get you where you’re supposed to be, meant to be in life…. You can take all the steps and work as hard as you want, but sometimes it’s not meant for you. So, I have had to really loosen my grip on this future that I really want to have, and I have to just do my best every day and that’s going to get me to where I want to go.”

What makes you most happy? It could be anything.

“Feeling like, not relieved, but when you’re not stressed about the future or something happening all the time. When you’re just present in that moment and not stressed about the future. Because that’s what gets me all amped up.”

So not living in the past or the future?

“Right, just living in the present.”

What’s a moment in your life that you look back at with happiness? Take your time! It could be a timeframe too. It doesn’t have to be a specific moment.

“Okay well. It’s when I was back home in the fall and I was by myself on a hike and it’s like an overlook…Okay, so anytime I’m looking at a sunset or water or…I don’t know it seems kind of weird! But it’s so quiet and so still and you’re just there. There’s nothing going on. For me, it’s stillness and when nothing is going on when I feel good.”

I love that. So, what’s a moment you look back at with sadness?

“I feel like anytime I do try to get better. You get to a good spot and then it’s just [slams the table]. So, with the lockdown that only happened to our school that was like ‘oh my gosh!’ I finally felt like I got to a good spot and then I had to stay in my house for two weeks. It’s one of those things. It’s just the roller coaster.”

You keeping getting knocked down. Especially with this year?

“Oh yeah! [sarcastically] This year has been fun.”

Right! Okay. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?

“I honestly feel like up until high school I’m pretty happy with the way everything turned out. It’s just more in college, really. I would tell my freshmen self, don’t make something into more…I wish I would have told myself…this class doesn’t mean any more than the next one. Like it’s not going to be the end of the world because then I would get so stressed about the one thing that went bad…I would tell myself to take it for what it is and don’t project it into the future, I guess?”

Okay. What is one thing you would change about yourself?

“I have been working on my emotions. I feel like I act on my emotions too much and I don’t give it enough time to really just sink in. I’m not patient enough and I’m very emotionally driven when it comes to decisions which can lead to things I later regret.”

It could be good though, right?

“It’s good and bad, but it’s definitely gotten me into places I would have rather not. It’s very good to learn from but!”

But it’s something you would rather change. Okay. And what is your favorite thing about yourself? Don’t be modest!

“I don’t know! That’s hard! I think I just like to make sure everyone feels okay. I like to take care of them, or I feel like I won’t feel good unless everyone else feels good.”

Okay that’s great!

“Sometimes it stresses me out though. I like…I like my hair!”

You do have really good hair.